Sick Snail Syndrome - J'Accuse

	In the early hours of Sunday, 9th June, BaseNotes became violently ill whilst being driven home from a meal in Hale, Manchester. Subsequent analysis of this most unpleasant episode concluded that this was caused by BaseNotes, in a misguided attempt to be European, having eaten a snail earlier in the evening.

This snail was one of several brought from France and was cooked in garlic, herbs and butter in the Continental style. However, despite these precautions, informed medical opinion indicates that BaseNotes' unseemly high speed throwing up out of the car window was the result of his having contracted Sick Snail Syndrome.

In order to draw international attention to the possibility that eating a snail could induce Sick Snail Syndrome - and to discourage people of all races, classes and creeds from the ill-considered pursuit of culinary sensations - BaseNotes has decided to sue France.

Of course, the French will attempt to discredit BaseNotes by pointing out that he had gone out drinking at noon on Friday and sort of stayed out until early Sunday morning. "Voila", they will say, "That is why le BaseNotes was tres mal! Il had been drinking like a poisson for trois days!!! Le pauvre snail drowned in lager and could not have harmed anyone!! Nous are non guilty!!!" In countering this argument, one has only to point out that whilst BaseNotes was indeed out rather early on Friday, it was only to watch England thrash Argentina 1 - 0 in the World Cup.

France, on the other hand, were unable to score a single goal in this tournament. One can therefore conclude that this so-called "defence" is just another scurrilous attempt by a bitter and resentful nation to portray patriotic English football fans as subhuman lager-fuelled fiends.

Be that as it may, it is for the Courts to decide the respective merits of claim and counter-claim. The truth - like the contents of BaseNotes' stomach - will eventually out.